Carefree Blogging Takes A Hit

The road makes a sad and unexpected turn....
By Marsha Abbott
Looking back over the last 8 months I’m reminded of the day I decided to start a blog. Filled with ideas about current events, political eruptions, delectable food and drink recipes, northwest travel and weekend escape ideas, I couldn’t wait to set forth. Whether anybody read it or not, didn’t matter. Weary of ‘reality T.V.’ and dreading the upcoming dark northwest winter, starting a blog was the perfect idea for evening boob tube avoidance.

I set forth with great ideas and couldn’t wait to tell my husband that we had to ‘get out there’ and grab a bigger sample of life because I had to find something to write about. While planning that first adventure I decided to write my first article on the Health Care bill and how it would affect a variety of Americans, from low income to business owners. What? I think I was delirious. Next idea. How about sharing a great margarita recipe? Yes, my creative juices were beginning to flow.

Then on a beautiful sunny Sunday morning the phone rang. I received news that my daughter had been killed. A nightmare descended into my home and into our lives. A horribly black nightmare.

Life stopped for me. It stood still. Adventures, laughter, music, travel and recipes meant nothing. That phone call forever altered my world, my future, and my sense of joy. In the months of privately grieving for my darling Molly, I started a journal. That journal will forever be private, but what emerged from those writings was a desire to share my story with others. I have met others traveling this heartbreaking road and all of us seek help and comfort. I read everything I could get my hands on. I talked to our Rector. I learned about life after death and communicating with those who have gone before us. I searched. Then I decided to refocused my blog and begin to share parts of this journey.

There have been many vacant ‘grief’ months on this blog, where I could NOT write anything. The place of darkness was vast and deep. But I’m back, sharing the thoughts and musings of a mother and family who have had to alter their view of the American dream. I look at life with hope and joy, but with a clear window into the suffering of others. I am often overcome with tears from out of the blue and I doubt that will ever change. I understand irreparable loss. I am the mother whom the other mothers never want to be. I represent their greatest fear. Because of that, I’ve experienced the love and compassion of women who try to put themselves in my place. I pray they never actually have to experience it. I give thanks for God’s compassion shown through them.

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One of Marsha's two daughters daughters (19 years old) was killed in a gun accident in Sept ‘09. She maintains a facebook page titled A New Journey, dedicated to helping grieving parents. She lives with her husband in the Pacific Northwest.

A Visit From Beyond

She makes her presence known…
-by Marsha Abbott

Several weeks after the passing of my daughter I began to have encounters which challenged my thinking and deepened my faith. One night she came to me in a dream which was so real it awakened me. She looked, spoke, smiled and laughed in the same way; gave me the biggest hug and told me how wonderful I smelled. The hug felt so real, and I could smell her familiar perfume and touch her soft flowing hair. I was baking cookies with her sister in the kitchen and asked her to join us. She told me she was happy and then disappeared as I turned to lead her to the kitchen. I awoke feeling her presence in my room and tears of joy streamed down my face. That dream was unlike any other dream I’ve had. The reality was indescribable.

Two months later she appeared in a dream and gave me information which alarmed me because I had trouble making sense of it. Interestingly, she also appeared in similarly disturbing dreams to my husband and daughter that same evening. I believe the odds of that happening are highly unlikely. The three of us shared our experience the following day, feeling unsettled about our dreams. Two days later an event occurred which hurt our family immeasurably and I realized that she had tried to prepare us for what was going to happen. That is when we fully understood our dreams.

Numerous other things have occurred in the 7 months since her death. After a period of voraciously reading every book I can find on the subject, I am convinced that our loved ones never really leave us. I believe that death is but a transition from this physical realm to the next one, like walking through a doorway. The physical body is discarded, but the spirit continues on. Though my faith speaks to me of everlasting life, the additional reading I’ve done has been not only comforting, but educational. (see blog book list)

I feel compelled search for truth, which is one of hope in the knowledge that our loved ones are never really gone. Most of us are resistant to change and become comfortable to a ‘numbing existence’ which keeps us from seeking knowledge and opening ourselves up to the notion that may be much more out there. Our culture portrays comfort and convenience as the ultimate goals, but this thinking keeps us from seeking. Perhaps we need to crawl out on the ‘skinny branches’ because that may be where the answers truly lie.

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One of Marsha's two daughters daughters (19 years old) was killed in a gun accident in Sept ‘09. She maintains a facebook page titled A New Journey, dedicated to helping grieving parents. She lives with her husband in the Pacific Northwest.

A Thankful Mother's Heart

Faith and loss...
-by Marsha Abbott

Growing up, I acknowledged a personal responsibility to discover my own truth and concept of reality. My parents believed in God, shared their beliefs with me, but did not tell me what to think or believe. I think they knew that true faith comes from within. I believe we must search for our own enlightenment and investigate all avenues of spiritual-scientific thought. Only then can our faith be truly our own, because we have arduously won it.

I came to the conclusion that the ultimate guideline and directive for everything in the universe is love. God, the creative source, is the wellspring of all positive energy and love. Compassion is intended to be the catalyst for all our actions. If our actions originate in love, we will always be in alignment with the natural laws of God and the universe.

No, I’m not an aging hippie. Well, I must admit to the ‘aging’ part. I didn’t wear flowers in my hair in the 60’s, get high and wear tie-dyed T-shirts. Back then, I was young teen watching protests on T.V., making my own decisions about drugs and alcohol, and hoping that the church service would be short on Sunday. I saw the ‘martini’ moms at my friend’s homes, watched the older brothers and sisters of my friends make choices, sometimes attended the church guild coffees/benefits with my mother, and fervently hoped I would someday fall in love like Liesel from The Sound Of Music.

Blessed to have 2 daughters in my thirties, the responsibility of sharing my faith with them in the same way my parents shared with me, became real. I’ll never win an award for the best church attendance with my growing family, but they certainly had a sense of our belief’s and faith. The concept of loving one another and trying to do right by others is at the very core of faith and enlightenment.

After losing Molly I have come to understand this truth more than ever. To mourn her without a plan to celebrate her life in the way she would wish is parallel to not loving her. We can suffer over a loss such as this, turning inward, and thus become the ‘root’ of our own suffering or we can try to extend a hand, share the positive spirit of our loved one and be an integral part of the cycle of love.

I am thankful to be awakened to this choice and reminded that it is mine alone to make. Our surviving daughter is a blessing that I treasure. I’ve been reminded that such treasures are truly gifts from God. In her special way she has tried to protect her father and I as we grieve, while the loss of her only sibling is monumental indeed. I think deep down she knows there is no need for protection; we are all in this together. Like me, tears visit her out of the blue and I'm thankful when she shares her feelings and allows me to comfort her. She represents the truth in God’s miracles. As I was at her birth, I continue to be so very blessed to have this precious daughter, Lonnie. (pictured above)

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One of Marsha's two daughters daughters (19 years old) was killed in a gun accident in Sept ‘09. She maintains a facebook page titled A New Journey, dedicated to helping grieving parents. She lives with her husband in the Pacific Northwest.

Snap Out of It? I Don't Think So...

When you lose your child...
-by Marsha Abbott

When life is unalterably changed and you are struck down so severely that getting up requires a monumental hand-over-hand effort to pull yourself out of a mine shaft, the journey is not one that most folks can relate to. In our 'fix-it fast' culture, observers often determine whether you are progressing at the rate that is comfortable for them. It is not unusual for people to subconsciously determine a ‘grieving timeline’ for you and ultimately avoid you if you don’t appear to fit it.

Bereaved parents do not "get over" the death of our children nor "snap out of it" as the outside world seems to think we can and should. The death of our children is not an illness or a disease from which we recover. It is a life altering change with which we must learn to live. It is often said, this is the most intense grief known.

People breathe a sigh of relief when this happens to others, and not themselves. They don’t want to think about it. It defies our planned pattern and progression of life. Our children should not die before we do. For me, such an upheaval in my world hurled me into a spiritual and psychic quest. I’ve always been a believer, but I’ve also dabbled in information about the ‘beyond’. From an early age I was interested in Edgar Cayce and read books about his life. Now I’m a sponge for that sort of information. It ties directly to my belief in God and has required such an awakening; an awakening I’m not sure would have happened if I hadn’t experienced losing my 19 year old daughter.

The physical realm can certainly provide us with the experience of joy and peace, yet without warning it can expose us to pain and suffering, a condition I know well. While this is so difficult to experience (and I’m doing it at the best rate I can), it might uniquely bring about some sort of growth. My sense of loss often leads to excruciating pain, causing me to break down. But those tears have gotten me acquainted with my deepest self. Day by day I have been guided, altered, surprised by those who want to help, and taught. I think about how much I miss Molly and how I have been torn up by the realization that the dreams I held for her life will never materialize. For our family, she is irreplaceable, but I am willing to open my heart and let something good plant itself where her life left off.

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One of Marsha's two daughters daughters (19 years old) was killed in a gun accident in Sept ‘09. She maintains a facebook page titled A New Journey, dedicated to helping grieving parents. She lives with her husband in the Pacific Northwest.

God Forgot To Ask Me If It Was Okay To Take My Daughter....

Then I realized I needed to ask Him to take care of her...
-Marsha Abbott

The desert or wilderness is such an enduring metaphor for the especially hard times in our lives. Our daughter, Molly, was killed when a loaded gun fell from a car, discharged, firing a fatal blow. It was an accident. She was a newlywed. She did not grow up around guns. We did not have them in our home. The news of her death was a horrific shock for us, nearly impossible to fathom and the source of my introduction to hell on earth. Emerging from that hell will be a step by step journey.

I would describe this journey as beginning in the desert, wandering each day and longing for some sort of salvation. Believing that Molly is with God, just on the other side of that thin veil that I think of as Heaven, gives me hope that I will be joined together with her again. I am not afraid to leave this earth and join her. But for now, I have not been called. My number is not up.

The biggest challenge is to find water in this desert on a daily basis. It seems like wandering in the 'wilderness of loss' is a place which requires the reshaping of my own soul. Until I am able to become somewhat successful at that, I feel destined to walk in circles always returning to the same starting point.

I've begun to realize that Molly and God can both help me try to get across this desert of loss. If I can look at my blessings and consider those a step in the right direction, then perhaps I'm putting one foot in front of the other? If I can find more and more time each day to share her positive spirit through my actions and attitude I feel she would be happy. She would call that a step in the right direction.

I'm not really sure my arrival date to the other side of this loss is something I'll ever know. Perhaps it is the 'walk' that is important? The effort to avoid walking in circles of 'despair & need' and the willingness to forge a path, looking for water as I make my way through this wilderness seems the only alternative to those endless desperate circles.

Acknowledging pain and crying when my heart requires it is an honest start. Making an effort to share what was good each day, rather than how I suffered seems to be a reasonable step. Reminding myself that she is watching and being able to clearly put a voice to her heavenly assessment of my current behavior and attitudes keeps it real. Acknowledging that she is well, happy and her spirit is alive in me, my family and my surroundings provides water to quench my thirst. Last, faith that this earthly world is not the end of the road for she waits for me on the other side soothes me.

Before I entered this desert I believe I was a different person. Life's hardships prior to this journey do not compare to this new reality. Walking through this wilderness with her loss in my heart will require a transformation.Step by step. To truly understand it, I believe you must be on a similar journey....

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One of Marsha's two daughters daughters (19 years old) was killed in a gun accident in Sept ‘09. She maintains a facebook page titled A New Journey, dedicated to helping grieving parents. She lives with her husband in the Pacific Northwest.

See recent journal entries about loss as well as articles and resources for bereaved parents and their families.

Perpetual Delusion

To believe or not believe...
-Marsha Abbott

What if life on earth is a manufactured experience? What if the non-religious are battling for the meaning of the universe by trying to convince us that the physical world is the ultimate reality? What if there is an ‘eternal now”?

If you believe that our consciousness survives physical death, then it seems logical that we retain our individuality; our own unique vibration. The universe is evolving, in both physical and non-physical realms. It was intended that way. All the evolutionary data is just the method by which some try to explain our physicality. As microcosms we are changing, growing. Every thought has as energy tag, and has residual effect on the universe. We are after all, energy. This energy existed before it merged with the evolving embryo that became my daughter. And it continues to exist. For me this energy is God. It is Love. It is all that is light and positive.

We, as occupants of this three dimensional physical earth might have trouble envisioning a four or five dimensional existence; or even a realm without dimension.

My intuition tells me that my daughter enjoys the ultimate freedom now, unrestrained by the limitations of this earth, and free to move, express and experience. This journey on earth is just the beginning and it has a purpose. It is meant to be travelled and all experiences here directly relate to our personal journey and the journeys of those we leave behind.

Those who try to convince us to think in the physical realm depend our lack of faith to create a foundation for worship of 3-dimensional things like the earth. When we do not believe that our freedoms come from a place much bigger than ourselves then we allow ourselves to fall prey to allowing man/governments to issue the rights they see fit. This leads to ‘social justice’ doled out by the government rather than ‘equal justice’ as given to us by God.

You can call God whatever you want, the great I AM, the Enlightened One, Budda, or Cosmic Energy. The fact remains that when we believe that there is nothing greater than ourselves, we lose the most precious opportunity to explore and discover the great beyond.

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One of Marsha's two daughters daughters (19 years old) was killed in a gun accident in Sept ‘09. She maintains a facebook page titled A New Journey, dedicated to helping grieving parents. She lives with her husband in the Pacific Northwest.

NOT Thankful this Thanksgiving

Thoughts on a sad Thanksgiving for my small family and me. Somehow Sarah Palin found her way into my heart while I was reading. I surmised that my husband gave me this book in order to distract me from my sorrow.

Nearly half way through the book, the nuts and bolts of her early life experiences, the inside story of her romance and the events leading her to a political career kept me reading. Hungry for information surrounding how she got onto the McCain/Palin ticket, I promised myself not to skip ahead in the book where all that campaign information waited. Regardless of political affiliation my curious nature leads me to read about people on all sides of the political spectrum. I suppose I tend to be a political 'independent' and like to hear both sides of the arguments. Unsuspectingly, I was struck between the eyes with one of the most powerful passages in the book. In fact, I didn't feel the need to read further (though I did) to truly understand the real Sarah.

Her description of her decisions surrounding the news that her unborn child, Trig, would be born with Downs Syndrome truly blew me away. Her decision not to abort this imperfect child, when abortion would have made life much easier, provided me with a special lense through which to view this woman. In particular, Sarah’s private letter to her family and friends preparing them for the arrival of this ‘special’ child... provided a spiritual insight into her heart. She wanted them to know about the specialness of Trig before he was born. She wrote that letter from the point of view of God. How would He write that letter to their family regarding the arrival of Trig? The letter was beautiful.

She reminded me that God’s ways are not always our ways. His decisions do not always coincide with what we have predetermined as our most convenient path. He doesn't not always have in mind for us...what we have in mind for us.

She made me consider writing a similar letter to myself. Yes, a letter to me from God. I need a letter from Him to explain why our 19 year old daughter senselessly lost her life to a gun accident two months ago. The gun fell from the car, discharged and killed her. There is no explanation that will ever make sense to me. The loss to our whole family has been devastating. If I received a letter from God, what might He say to me regarding the loss of my beloved daughter?

Truthfully? Thanksgiving was filled with tears. Tears that salted our food. An empty chair at the table. Grace that was too hard to say. Attempts to pump each other 'up' just like football players do to each other on all the Thanksgiving day games. I've been angry at God. Why us? There is so much pain.

Craft a letter from God? That will take some insightful thinking. Thank you Sarah. Just when I thought I was reading a book about politics, I found out I was considering opening myself up to receive a message from God. I haven’t been open to that since she died. Hopefully I (He) will find the right words.

Book: Going Rogue by Sarah Palin (a birthday gift from my husband)
I highly recommend reading the letter Sarah wrote. It is included in the book.

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One of Marsha's two daughters daughters (19 years old) was killed in a gun accident in Sept ‘09. She maintains a facebook page titled A New Journey, dedicated to helping grieving parents. She lives with her husband in the Pacific Northwest.