Monday, May 10, 2010
God Forgot To Ask Me If It Was Okay To Take My Daughter....
Then I realized I needed to ask Him to take care of her...
The desert or wilderness is such an enduring metaphor for the especially hard times in our lives. Our daughter, Molly, was killed when a loaded gun fell from a car, discharged, firing a fatal blow. It was an accident. She was a newlywed. She did not grow up around guns. We did not have them in our home. The news of her death was a horrific shock for us, nearly impossible to fathom and the source of my introduction to hell on earth. Emerging from that hell will be a step by step journey.
I would describe this journey as beginning in the desert, wandering each day and longing for some sort of salvation. Believing that Molly is with God, just on the other side of that thin veil that I think of as Heaven, gives me hope that I will be joined together with her again. I am not afraid to leave this earth and join her. But for now, I have not been called. My number is not up.
The biggest challenge is to find water in this desert on a daily basis. It seems like wandering in the 'wilderness of loss' is a place which requires the reshaping of my own soul. Until I am able to become somewhat successful at that, I feel destined to walk in circles always returning to the same starting point.
I've begun to realize that Molly and God can both help me try to get across this desert of loss. If I can look at my blessings and consider those a step in the right direction, then perhaps I'm putting one foot in front of the other? If I can find more and more time each day to share her positive spirit through my actions and attitude I feel she would be happy. She would call that a step in the right direction.
I'm not really sure my arrival date to the other side of this loss is something I'll ever know. Perhaps it is the 'walk' that is important? The effort to avoid walking in circles of 'despair & need' and the willingness to forge a path, looking for water as I make my way through this wilderness seems the only alternative to those endless desperate circles.
Acknowledging pain and crying when my heart requires it is an honest start. Making an effort to share what was good each day, rather than how I suffered seems to be a reasonable step. Reminding myself that she is watching and being able to clearly put a voice to her heavenly assessment of my current behavior and attitudes keeps it real. Acknowledging that she is well, happy and her spirit is alive in me, my family and my surroundings provides water to quench my thirst. Last, faith that this earthly world is not the end of the road for she waits for me on the other side soothes me.
Before I entered this desert I believe I was a different person. Life's hardships prior to this journey do not compare to this new reality. Walking through this wilderness with her loss in my heart will require a transformation.Step by step. To truly understand it, I believe you must be on a similar journey....
One of Marsha's two daughters daughters (19 years old) was killed in a gun accident in Sept ‘09. She maintains a facebook page titled A New Journey, dedicated to helping grieving parents. She lives with her husband in the Pacific Northwest.
See recent journal entries about loss as well as articles and resources for bereaved parents and their families.